At seventeen I just wanted to die
And to deal with the pain I got drunk and I got high
See, I was missing this boy, he was the love of my life
But he was living on the other side –
Of the world, and every day I woke up scared that he’d killed himself
Cause all we ever did was killing ourselves.
So when my cousin got married, of course I was feeling it
Made me too damn emotional, so at some point I stopped feeling it
Well the thing is, I stopped feeling anything at all
Instead I drowned my thoughts in wine and some schnapps
I didn’t realise that there was a point where I should have stopped
– and there was this “sort-of-cute-guy” and he just wouldn’t shut up
So when he offered me a cigarette I said “let’s go”
And I guess it would be naïve to say I didn’t know
on the way to his car in which direction this would go.
When he kissed me I guess I enjoyed the distraction
But then his hand started going in a different direction
– and I guess he expected a different reaction.
I said “there is no way in hell I will let you do this”
But the thing is, he kept going through this
And the truth is I let him do this.
Cause I was too drunk to care
Damn it, I was too depressed to care
I didn’t feel a thing. I didn’t move. I didn’t say stop.
But the thing is – I think I didn’t want to do this.
So when we finally got back to the wedding reception
My mum caught me crying, cause he didn’t use protection
The next morning she drove me to the pharmacy
But I threw up the pill that was supposed to help me
And I played it cool.
Told my friends what had happened alight
Cause I guess it is quite a good story, right?
To lose your virginity at a wedding in a car at night.
It’s two years later and everyone is screaming “Me too!”
And I am so angry, cause who the fuck did this to you?!
But I never felt like I meant myself too…
Until it started sinking in drop by drop
And I did everything I could to make it stop
Told myself that I was crazy and that you can’t just decide
Two years later that something wasn’t right
So I kept pushing the thought aside…
See, I thought I fighting for them and not me
And it took me two and a half fucking years to see
That maybe it also happened to me
No. It can’t be true, cause it didn’t even hurt
(that much) and there’s a million other girls who have had it so much worse
And I didn’t say no. I didn’t say a word.
But it’s 11 am and I am crying in the bathroom at work.
No, I don’t get to do this, I don’t get to cry
I don’t have the fucking right!
So why am I suddenly feeling this pain inside?
No. This didn’t happen to me.
I am sure it didn’t cause it cannot be.
Cause this isn’t how we defined rape in this society.
Cause they will never blame the guy who was like six years older
And he’d fuck me when we both weren’t sober
And every second I just wanted it to be over
No, if I told them they would just blame me
Just like I am blaming myself
Cause I should have just said stop
I should have cried for help
Hey, I am not saying that I was raped that night
I am just saying that maybe this wasn’t exactly “alright”
That maybe this wasn’t his god-damn right
That maybe this wasn’t how I wanted this to happen
That maybe this wasn’t who I wanted it to happen with
Hey, I just wish this wouldn’t happen every single night
All around the world, to girls who can’t even stand upright
Even less pick up a fight
Man, please tell me how good this must feel like
For you and your weak ass, who apparently can’t get a girl when she’s sober
Who doesn’t ever remember her name when it’s over.
But not anymore, our time has come to take over
And I will not rest until this world is a better place for our daughters to grow older
Man, I am writing this because your time is fucking over.