familyplanning

Day 14. Stories of Women*: A story about abortion from the Faroe Islands 

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I still remember the feeling that went through my body, when the pregnancy test turned positive. It was a combination of fright and anxiety, which went through every single bone and limb. 

I was 19, confused and uncertain what my future would bring – and this did not exactly make it easier. I had no job and lived at home with my parents. How could I even raise a child – a real, living, breathing individual – under these circumstances? I was careful when it came to my contraceptives, for exactly this reason so I would not even have to make this decision. 

The personal conditions weren’t ideal either. For years I had been struggling with anxiety, but through the last months I could finally tell myself, and mean it, that I was in a good mental state. I was finally starting to socialise again, exploring my limits and slowly moving towards something, that felt good and free. When I started to think about the situation I was in, I immediately felt that these could not be the right circumstances to welcome a child into this world. 

 I also thought about him. He was such a charming, kind guy, when I first met him – and I fell in love right away. Everything escalated so quickly, and it was almost as if we didn’t notice it. Within a few weeks, we met each others families and our friends became more than familiar to each other. 

Just as everything seemed a bit too good to be true, everything turned around and the tingly feelings of joy soon turned to an overwhelming heartache. After a few months, I found out that he had been cheating on me – with one of my best friends. I could feel how my self-confidence started to fade away. Signs of my anxiety started to show. Everything happened so fast. And now I was sitting here. On the bathroom floor at my parents’ house – with a positive pregnancy test. 

He didn’t handle it well. He told me to convince my doctor I was mentally ill, so I could get an abortion. I have to admit that the idea had occurred to me before and was playing like a loop in my head. Days went by, and I decided to tell my family and closest friends. I remember how they without success tried to comfort me and tell me that everything would be fine. One of my friends asked me to join her on a night out, so I could take my mind off things.  

I honestly thought this was a great idea, but the night ended like a nightmare. I met him. He was drunk and said that he wanted to talk. I hesitated for a minute, but then convinced myself that is was only fair to let him speak his mind. We went to a more private place. He told me how unhappy he was about this unexpected pregnancy. I agreed with a small nod. He was not ready to become a father. I wasn’t ready to become a mother either, I replied. He apologised for his actions – for being so unfair to me. Then he asked me if I would try to get an abortion – and for the first time I was sure what I had to do. ‘Yes’, I replied. My gut was telling me that this was the right decision.  

The story could have ended here, but it didn’t. I want to tell the whole story so hopefully someone – and especially those who hold the power – will finally understand that abortion is never simple, and that there is something terribly wrong in our society’s perception of ‘respect’.  

He started to kiss me. Not a bone in me wanted to kiss him – but he didn’t care. He forced himself upon me. I said no – but once again he didn’t care. I have lost count of how often I’ve blamed myself for being raped that night. I could have screamed. Or I could have bit him. But instead I cried and waited until it was over – till he finished. 

I went to the doctor a few days later. I told her that I was pregnant, but that I wanted this to be over as soon as possible. She supported my decision instantly and sent me to the gynecological department at the hospital. Even though my real reason behind wanting the abortion was simply  not wanting to become a parent. My medical records says it is because I was suffering from serious mental illness and was a danger to myself. It wasn’t true but I went along with it anyway. Those are the conditions you have to accept and if you are desperate enough, you would do anything it takes.  

This was my decision and I had thought this through. I wasn’t ready to become a mother. Where would I live? How would I provide everything that you need when having a child? Now I  was also fully certain, that if I would have a child now, I would have been alone in it, I would have been a  single parent. 

I could never see myself give 100% of me for a child at the time, let alone provide the love and care that a child needs. I also wanted him out of my life. I believe that fathers do have rights to their children, but the thought about him – a rapist – as the father of my child still gives me the creeps. I know I could never accept it. Not for my potential children nor myself. 

In the Faroe Islands abortion is only permitted if: 

  1. The maternal life is endangered 
  2. Severe fetal defects 
  3. Pregnancy is resulted from rape or incest
  4. The woman due to serious physical or mental illness is estimated unsuitable to take care of her child

This story was originally published as a part of a campaign by Social Democratic Youth of the Faroe Islands (Sosialistisk Ung) that sought to achieve free abortion on the Faroe Islands in 2017. The woman in the story wishes to remain anonymous, but Sosialistisk Ung knows her real identity. 

The story has been revised in order to make it understandable in an international context with consent of the woman.  

Day 4. Stories of Women*: Why parental leave is (also) a male issue

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When I first met the man who later became my boyfriend, he told me “If I ever become a father, I want half of the paternity leave”. I was ready to marry him then and there. Finding a man – even in the liberal and equal Denmark – who wants to take on at least half of the responsibility for the children, can be hard. I knew he was a keeper.

Why child care is just for women in Denmark 
Let me just fill you in on the situation in Denmark. We had the first law on maternity leave in 1901 granting women working in the industry the right to four weeks of maternity leave including social benefits and excluding the stigma of the help for the poor (which would strip you from your democratic rights). Quite a breakthrough. In 1908 women were granted child custody over their own children (until then the father had the sole custody over the children, and the mother were not even considered to be a sovereign individual until 1899). The maternity leave was gradually expanded to cover all women and cover a longer period. Not until 1984 were men specifically included in the legislative framework on parental leave.
We had our last law on parental leave in 2002 expanding it to 12 months separated as this: The mother is granted 4 weeks before the birth and 14 weeks after. The father is granted 2 weeks. The remaining 32 weeks are to be shared between the parents as they see fit.

It’s not enough to talk the talk 
Back to my boyfriend and me. One thing is having the right opinions. Another thing is sticking to them when life puts them to the test.

As any average academia couple, we haven’t gotten around to having children yet. Statistically we ought to. Both of us passed the 25 year-mark several years ago and the last time I went to my gynecologist, there was a printed abstract from a new research showing that the ability to reproduce decreases rapidly after 25. Thank you very much. But my ovaries are really none of your business.

I have many friends who have had the idea of sharing the parental leave equally. Then life happened, and for a number of reasons it just seemed more fit to let the mother have the majority of the leave. Maybe her job was more flexible, her paycheck smaller and hence the difference in income for the family less, or it just felt better that way.
The average Danish father has 4 weeks of paternity leave. So much for letting the families split the 32 weeks among them. 2 for daddy and 30 for mommy.
But this is not a family issue. This is societal structures keeping mothers and fathers in old fashioned roles within the family

Uneven parental leave affects the father… 
When fathers don’t spend much time with their newborns it not only affects the bond between father and child it also affects the fathers’ position vis-à-vis the mother in the eyes of the law. Having most of the parental leaves often expands into having most of the child’s sick leave days and participating in more parent-school-conversations and the like.
If the parents gets divorced and ends up fighting over the custody of their children the decision will often be based upon which parent have the strongest ties to the child – which can be argued is rather subjective. But one thing which can be calculated and objectified is the number of weeks on parental leave and the number of child sick leave days.
Therefore, fathers often loose the fight for child custody. If the parental leave was split more evenly so would the child custody.

…and the working mother 
The consequences for the mother are just as severe. Having longer parental leave with one or more children highly affects the connections to the labor market, and thereby jeopardizing female career advancements. Studies show that men who take longer parental leaves are rewarded with higher pay or promotion while women are placed at the back of the line after a long parental leave.

Furthermore, the retirement savings of women are smaller because they are connected to years of employment and the lifetime income of women are considerable smaller than that of men due to longer periods of parental leave. The inequality created through old fashioned and uneven parental leave law has ripple effects on the entirety of the lives of mothers.

The societal expectations grant young men a head start 
Let us make a thought experiment: Let us assume that the academical background and experiences of my boyfriend and I were the same: exactly the same merits. And we were to apply for the same position. Would we have equal opportunity of getting the job? We should have.
But in reality, the employer would favor my boyfriend over me because of the expectation that my boyfriend is less likely to take a large amount of the parental leave when we have children. Economically probably very rational. But very unfair.

This inherent expectation in employers is giving young men a head-start on the labor market and creating an unfair disadvantage for women.

A reformation of the current law guaranteeing both the father and the mother one third of the parental leave and leaving one third to be shared would definitely increase fathers share of parental leave and child care.

My boyfriend and I are ready to fight with his former boss for his right to take half of the parental leave. But it would be great to have a legislative framework as support in that battle.

Disclaimer: This essay only focuses on the issues around parental leave concerning hetero parents. If we take same sex couples and rainbow families into account, the number of problems with the Danish law on parental leaves arises drastically.